September 20th, 2018. They day we received a phone call and heard words we’d been longing to hear for 4 long years — “You’re pregnant.”

The days that followed were a dim blur of blood draws, ultrasounds, and the gnawing dread of knowing all signs pointed to this pregnancy slipping right through our tired, desperate fingers.

Sometimes grief slowly swells, like a storm in the distance. You can sense the pressure changing, but wonder if the wind might be kind and carry it away from you. I got used to the gray skies rumbling in the distance as we waded through the dark aftermath of miscarriage. I wanted to be okay. I told myself to be okay. To be strong. But later in the spring, there was a loud crack of thunder in those clouds of grief, and the force split my heart right down its seam. Grief came to collect what it was owed.

I learned something about myself, about us, in the process — we need each other.

In my efforts to feign strength and resilience I was actually isolating myself, slowly constructing walls around me until I was completely surrounded by stone cold silence. My broken heart took another crushing, this time self-inflicted.

It wasn’t until I fully started sharing this inner journey with Josh, a counselor, my family, and some close friends that I actually found relief. Warm hands to hold, and safe places to process, understand, and let go. To catch and release. The truth is, shared community will take you much further than self-care alone. Both are critical to your person.

Whatever you’re journeying through right now, the path is best taken with a hand to hold.

And if your journey happens to include infertility, a prayer and blessing so fitting —
Psalms 20 for September 20:

“In times of trouble, may Yahweh answer your cry.
May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm...
May he grant your heart’s desires and make all your plans succeed.
May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory and raise a victory banner in the name of our God.
May Yahweh answer all your prayers.”
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Psalms‬ ‭20:1-5‬ ‭NLT‬‬