So, I had to have surgery. Here I am in my mask and bonnet, a burrito of blankets, nerves and deep breaths.

Because of the global pandemic, Josh and I had a final hug at the registration desk and I walked back to pre-op alone. This surgery was just the next step in my journey through infertility... another walk that, seemingly, you do alone.

8 years ago, we got married and people said things like “You will make beautiful babies!” Our eyes sparkled with newlywed naivety of “For Better” and we took for granted the control we had... or thought we had. 🙃 In the mystery that is family “planning”, I am seesawing ad-nauseam between finding fullness in the present, and holding out hope for the future. The middle, if you will. It seems like we women are most comfortable talking about our war only once we have won it. I totally get it — it’s messy in the middle. But I think this fear of showing our work in progress is exactly what makes the war so hard to win... and therefore we end up walking alone.

If you’re in the middle, I am too.

Infertility is a constant, hyper-speed cycle of grief. My surgery followed the pattern perfectly: I was in denial when my doctor first suggested it... we tried other options but the writing was on the (uterine) wall. I was angry I needed it... that other women around me seem to have relatively straight lines to building a family and yet mine keeps forking off (I’d like to tell it to fork off...🤭) I bargained that maybe if we do this, it will do the trick and finally The Prayer will be answered. And then sitting on my mom’s porch a few days beforehand, depression pooled in my eyes as I told her this all was feeling like a new low... that hope was becoming too heavy to hold. Now, I’m reaching for acceptance like blindly fumbling for your phone in the dark. I know it’s there... I just have to keep feeling around until I find it.

My prayer for any of us caught in the in-between, reaching for acceptance in our messy middle:

In times of trouble, may Yahweh answer your cry.
May He keep you safe from all harm.
May He grant your heart’s desires and make your plans succeed.
May Yahweh answer all your prayers.
Psalm 20:1-5 🤎